


The Gotham Gazette

by LadyAndreth



Category: Batman - All Media Types
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-14
Updated: 2020-05-27
Packaged: 2021-02-28 00:53:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,677
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22724992
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyAndreth/pseuds/LadyAndreth
Summary: A collection of fake somewhat satirical news stories from the goings on in Gotham. Includes batfam shenanigans, as well as just general Gotham city nonsense.
Relationships: Barbara Gordon/Dick Grayson, Selina Kyle/Bruce Wayne
Comments: 13
Kudos: 113





	1. Wayne Valentines Charity Event Crashed by Notorious Jewel Thief

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! So, I'm hoping to post a new "paper" every month. I considered posting weekly but I don't have enough ideas for that, so, yeah, monthly. They aren't all going to include the same categories necessarily, but there will be a top story and a crime report every time (cause what's Gotham without a crime report?). Anyway, I hope you enjoy!

** Top  ** ** story **

Wayne Valentines Charity Event Crashed by Notorious Jewel Thief

This Valentines day, the Wayne Charity gala came to a disturbing conclusion as the jewel thief known as Catwoman crashed the party and kidnapped Bruce Wayne. The party goers were all stunned and disturbed by the turn of events. One woman commented that she "spent over thirty million on this necklace and would not have it stolen." After giving this stunning insight into the reason for her near fainting spell, she was seen rescuing many of the horderves and dropping a ten dollar bill into the donation jar. A man attending the party was outraged at the "ridiculously low levels of security," and wondered if Wayne knew how many "important people could have been harmed tonight." When asked for a name to quote him by, he seemed offended that he was not already known, and so he shall remain anonymous. Many young women were seen crying over the capture of Mr. Wayne, many of them having hoped for a date with the famous playboy. However, not everyone was so concerned. The Wayne Children themselves seemed notably unfazed by their father's capture. "It's his fault if he was late," Tim Drake-Wayne said. "We told him we could handle the gala on our own, but he forced her hand." In spite of his cryptic comment, he refused to give up any more information concerning an alleged meeting with Catwoman. Damian Wayne, upon hearing about Tim Drake-Wayne's comment, flew into a rage and attacked his brother for "the implication that Father would stoop to an affair with a criminaly insane thief." In spite of the disruption, or perhaps because of it, the Charity Gala made more in donations than it has in any other year before, including exactly 30 million from an anonymous donner. 

**Why Give Flower's when you Could Give Love? **

** **

Buy PI's special valentines experience today!

Exclusive views of beautiful gardens, a fountain side dinner, and a night you'll remember.

All for a low price and no killing of plants guaranteed!

** Crime Report **

Poison Ivy was thwarted in an attempt to capture young couples and trap the women in a paradise while poisoning all the men. Batman was heard telling her that "Joker and Harley didn't show up so did you really have to go through with it?" After he left her with the police, she was taken to a holding cell to await trial. Twenty seven men are currently in the hospital with poisoning, along with twelve women who refused to leave their partners and were subjected to the same fate.


	2. Fries to Freeze Outdoor Ice Rink All Year Round

**Fries to Freeze Outdoor Ice Rink All Year Round**

As things are warming up this spring, many people are missing the outdoor ice. One of these is Justin Farfanik, previously a player for the Gotham City Blades and current coach of the pee wee hockey team, The Bears. In an effort to keep the ice around, he has gone to the notorious villain and ice terrorist Victor Fries to ask if he would use his technology and unique abilities to give them outdoor ice all year. An alternative purpose of this startling idea would be the rehabilitation of Fries. If Fries chooses to participate, all the time he spends maintaining the ice rink would count towards community service, which could have him free and on the streets again within five years, if the Arkham psychiatrists also give the go ahead. Billionaire Bruce Wayne seems to think it is a brilliant idea and has promised to run a rental skate shop near the lake, the proceeds of which would go toward reviving Nora Fries, the wife of Victor Fries. In spite of all these good intentions, many are skeptical of this new outdoor rink. Several parents have pulled their children off The Bears pee wee hockey team in light of the new developments. Many of them suspect Fries of a more sinister plan, and suspect Justin Farfanik as being a part of that plan. Wayne seems determined to trust them and said that “if the public does not show Mr. Fries what it is to be a good citizen, then how can we expect him to become a good citizen?” His daughter, Cassandra Cain, said that she would like to be the “first skater,” on Fries’ outdoor rink. Whatever happens, Gotham will soon find out whether it is Mr. Farfanik and Mr. Wayne who were right, or the skeptics. 

**For sale:** A fine fat turkey. Has been fed only the best of seeds and worms and allowed to roam free over the freshest grass in Gotham. Fine brown feathers. Would make an excellent meal or stuff a pillow. Goes by the name of Jerry. For more information call J.P. Todd at xxx-xxx-xxx

**Crime report:** Citizens are advised to stay inside as clean up continues after Condiment King’s rampage. The streets are slippery with ketchup and mustard, likely to cause falls which could prove very dangerous to the elderly especially. Condiment King himself was caught by Robin and turned over to the police, halting the destruction East of Robinson Park. The teams of fire fighters are projected to finish cleaning on Saturday, March 21.


	3. Dropped Church Attendance due to Commonality of Resurrection

**Dropped Church Attendance due to Commonality of Resurrection**

While all around the country church attendance is rising on Easter, in Gotham it remains the same as it ever was. The pastor of Gotham Community Church said that cars used to line the streets, but ever since the Waynes and Bat Vigilantes have kept on persistently dying and coming back to life, no one is interested when Jesus does it. “They just don’t understand the difference,” he said. “It all comes from seeing Jesus as just another man, when really he was God incarnate.”

Bruce Wayne is one of those who has stopped attending church on Easter. When asked, he looked intensely tired and said that “he just can’t bring his children to that sort of thing anymore.” According to his account, one priest lifted up Jesus’ resurrection as proof of his godhood. Upon hearing this, two of his children set out to see which of them could gain the most followers and even attempted to get their siblings to worship them as gods, since they had been falsely reported dead and come back before. “We respect religion,” Wayne concluded, “and it is for that reason that Easter in the religious sense can never be celebrated in this house.”

** Events: **

** Easter fundraiser being held!!! Come out to xxx N----- St. for games, fun, and food! Do not be alarmed if you see Red Hood on the premises, as that is an actor and not, in fact, the real Red Hood. All proceeds will go to the Gotham Pet Shelter in thanks for their rescuing and returning one Jerry. For more information contact Damian Wayne at xxx-xxx-xxx **

**Crime Report**

Joker was thwarted in an attempt to release his notorious Joker Gas throughout the city on Easter. He would have used the eggs hidden for easter egg hunts, but Robin, Red Robin, Red Hood, Black Bat, Batgirl, Signal, and Nightwing all teamed up for what Nightwing called the “easter egg hunt of the century” and dumped all the potentially dangerous eggs into the harbor in time. Joker was delivered over to the police, and Batman was said to be heard scolding his fellow Vigilantes for dumping so many plastic eggs into the harbor, stating that they “are all grounded until every egg is fished out. Do you have any idea how insufferable Aquaman is going to be to deal with after this?” To which Red Hood eyed the Bat and said he dealt with someone even more insufferable every day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case you didn't put it together, the address Damian gives for his charity event is the address of one of Jason's safe houses. That one was a bit vague, so I thought I'd explain it here.


	4. Wayne Enterprises Begins Million Dollar Reconstruction Project

** Wayne Enterprises Begins Million Dollar Reconstruction Project **

The narrows of Gotham are a notoriously broken down and crime-ridden area, even referred to by some as crime alley, but Wayne Enterprises has set out to change this. The reconstruction project will involve new housing and many remodels of old apartment buildings to make them into safer homes that the residents can be proud of. As many materials as possible will be bought locally in order to help business owners in the area, and a number of well paying jobs will also come into the area for the duration of the project. “We hope that it will be enough to get people on their feet,” says Bruce Wayne, CEO of Wayne enterprises and the spearhead of this project. “Our goal is to create a cleaner, crime-free Gotham that her citizens can be proud of.” Co-CEO Tim Drake-Wayne also supports the plan wholeheartedly, stating that the “only downside is that Bruce’s secondary goal of placating Hood after the demon’s last stunt might also be accomplished.” Many have speculated on the cryptic nature of this comment, but Drake-Wayne has refused to say anything more on the matter except that “this project is a big step toward helping Gotham reduce its violent crime and toward helping the citizens of Gotham begin to take pride in their city once again.”\

**Coming soon to Gotham! The American Ballet Theater brings you a stunning performance of _Giselle._ With beautiful scores and world acclaimed dancers, it promises to be a magnificent evening full of beauty and grace.**

** Crime Report **

Gotham Academy was attacked last Monday when Harley Quinn and Scarecrow received anonymous letters from a student complaining about a professor who had assigned a ten page paper on finals week along with a final. The unlikely pair teamed up and terrorized the halls, not only attacking the professor in question, but also several others who were rumored to be severe task masters and any students who attempted to stand up for them. Red Hood was reported to be on the scene, but it is unclear whether he was detaining or helping the criminals. The dastardly pair was eventually caught and handed over to the police by Batman. Nineteen faculty members and thirteen students are currently recovering from fear gas at Gotham General Hospital, and seven of these are considered to be in critical condition.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this one's a bit short and not as funny as the others. I was struggling to find something graduation based but in the end this was all there was. The next one should be better and include a follow up to the ballet thing.


End file.
